The My Next Phase Newsletter - Volume 14 | |||
Retirement's Hidden, Unsettling Losses: Identity, Status and Time Structure
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File under Can't Make This Stuff Up: AARP says 28 percent of Americans spent more time watching reality TV last month than they spent planning their retirement over the entire past decade. We, too, plead guilty to the weekly pull of Idol and Dancing with the Stars. But these facts do bring retirement prep attitudes and behaviors into sharp focus. Lack of psychological preparation helps explain why so many retirees report rocky starts to their new lives. The oft-cited feelings may sound vague and "soft" - to paraphrase, "I just didn't feel like myself when I stopped working" - but are profound and disorienting, and take a serious emotional toll. Much of the uneasiness can be traced to three things commonly lost when we finally bid adieu to work (at least, work as we've traditionally known it):
Part of the psychological side of retirement planning is simply realizing these phenomena occur, and previewing the very valid feelings they generate. Taking the unexpected out of the equation is powerful. From there, the right kind of self-exploration and some surprisingly simple, yet highly effective exercises, can smooth the way. Let's look at each, and at steps to blunt their impact. Identity Work provides a sense of who you are, and where you fit in. It's a potent lubricant in new social situations ("hi, I'm Ralph, I'm a senior claims adjustor..."). But what happens once your business card expires, and your title no longer applies. Unfair as it may sound, "I'm Ralph. I'm retired," isn't the stuff of inspired conversation, and probably not what Ralph would choose if given worthwhile alternatives. We recently spoke at a conference for retired and soon-to-retire judges, and heard tales of acute identity loss. One former judge explained how odd it feels shedding the profession's totems; no one rising when you enter a room, no black robe symbolizing power over others, and a sense of self to the wearer. |
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An identity-renewing exercise our clients find helpful: naming their next phase, once they've zeroed in on the fulfilling pursuits that will comprise it. That name becomes a convenient and fun conversation facilitator, and a reminder to remain committed to a chosen activity. Senior Biker Consultant is one My Next Phase graduate's memorable handle, chosen by a guy who now spends the chilly months advising his former employer, the warmer weather exploring the country with his wife, atop his and her motorcycles. Wine Hunter was chosen by another who, realizing he didn't have the financial means to pursue full-time wine tourism, got a flex-time job at a local wine shop. He spends days getting paid to ply his passion, and earns money to take spectacular, extended, wine-centric vacations. He and others have taken a next step, eagerly handing out cards with their new "title" and contact information to people they meet and wish to know better. Status Closely related to identity, status is a tough loss to swallow. You needn't be Mother Teresa or Gandhi for your work to affect others in important ways. Mentoring up-and-comers, making important decisions, seeing the tangible effects of your toil - so much more - all provide a sense of membership in something bigger and meaningful; of being somebody that matters. It applies equally, regardless of career choice or rank. It's easy to see how feelings of diminished status are revealed only after the music stops, and the relief from big deadlines and other pressures recedes. Getting a preview can inspire early action that can fill the vacuum. Knowing is one thing, truly moving on another. So how to say good-bye to status? Consider having a Moving On or That's All, Folks party, perhaps as part of a retirement celebration. On a piece of personal letterhead, list the kinds of influence you're losing, leadership and guidance people will now get elsewhere, calls that won't come, moments of recognition that will disappear. Then have some fun letting go. Invite some friends, pop a cork - burn or bury your list in the backyard - with appropriate toasts, ceremony, speeches, sadness, cursing of the fates, whatever. However best for you, say goodbye to your career-induced status, and move on. Time Structure Love or hate catching the early train, whatever else work does, it organizes your days. You've arrived on time, shown up for appointments, and met deadlines. Your career has provided a schedule of things to do, people to see and places to go. For many, this built-in time structuring is invaluable. It's hard getting used to "time now being our own," given that's never really been the case, starting from your earliest school experiences. Many discover time with no strings attached to be a caustic Catch 22: what they've always wanted, but disorienting to finally experience. Make the best of the time that's now yours by actively reclaiming it. Try this exercise. The day the retirement celebrations end, or you return from that long earned extended vacation, pretend you're going to work. Set the alarm as you normally would, get ready and look at your appointment calendar. If it helps, get in your car, or walk to the bus or train station. Ask yourself, "the day is mine, so what will I do?" Look at your uncommitted time for the rest of the week, and fill in the blanks. "Play golf" entries for Tuesday and Friday afternoons are fine. Writing it down can help you structure those mornings, maintain a sense of order, and overall, demonstrate how much time you have to fill. The Identity, Status and Time Structure traps are easily seen in professional athletes. Many have a hard time exiting the stage for these very reasons, either staying past their prime or choosing to un-retire. Names like Roger Clemens (Second Yankees-era), Michael Jordan (Washington Wizards-era), Brett Favre (Jets-era) and the recently unretired Lance Armstrong headline a list too long to cite here. Announcing his ultimately underwhelming return to the Yankees, Clemens himself said (paraphrasing), "Well, I guess I failed retirement." For Clemens, Cy Young-Winning Pitcher was identity, status and time structure all in one. Even Magic Johnson, already ensconced in carefully calibrated next phase pursuits like movie theater entrepreneurship and inner city improvement, couldn't resist the lure of a short-lived mid 1990's comeback. You needn't spend your adult life in the spotlight to experience lost feelings of identity, status and time structure when you exit career's stage. The right awareness and planning can smooth your transition, and help make retirement the fulfilling experience you've long earned. To forward to a friend, please click here. To send a message or question to the My Next Phase team, please click here. To learn more about membership, please click here. Copyright ©2009 My Next Phase. All Rights Reserved • www.mynextphase.com | |||
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