The My Next Phase Newsletter - Volume 11 | |||
Couples & Retirement: When Sparks Fly
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We recently heard about a guy (Sam, let's call him), a fledgling retiree, who saved his marriage by moving out. By moving out? Move, Sam did: all the way next door, to the condo adjoining the one he and his wife shared for years. Sam occupies his new, sparsely furnished place only during the hours of 9am-6pm, Monday through Friday. Sam loves the 11-second commute home, where he and his wife catch up over leisurely dinners. The conversation typically continues over long, sunset walks, dogs-in-tow. They've never been happier...not, at least, since Sam's last day at work. Sam's is a radical solution to a problem couples with recently minted retirees face by the bushel: learning how to live together, all over again. (For most, early awareness of danger signs, and healthy, advance discussions are the elixir; more on this below.) It's easily magnified when the new retiree invades the formerly exclusive -- sometimes, longtime -- daytime domain of their non-working spouse or partner. Friction comes from all manner of sources - almost always, unanticipated -- making the promise of "Those Golden Years Together" seem like a cruel hoax. Clients with 35-years-plus of loving, supportive relationships come to us with a common quip: "All of a sudden, we simply can't stand each other." After months of Punch and Judy impersonations, Sam and his wife self-diagnosed the problem: his need to, let's say, make the house run better. No closet (nor cupboard) was too small to re-engineer, no repair bill too minor to negotiate. The very traits and attention to detail that served Sam well during a long, successful managerial career were methodically shredding his most important relationship. Realizing these behaviors are burned in, and fortunate with a healthy nest egg, Sam and his wife came to the real estate solution. They learned that they each contributed to the problem, Sam's wife's strong habitual behaviors and relative inflexibility among her precipitants. Think about it. During our working years, for the most part, we rent our spouses and partners -- nights, weekends, vacations and select other times. Many go into retirement longing to gain back some of that "lost work time" together, if not spend every minute joined at the hip. |
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But it's healthy to spend the time apart. It makes not only the heart grow fonder. It provides vital space we need to breathe, to be around others, and to be that other person - that "work self" we spend years developing. So what's a couple to do (especially those without cash to burn on a second, daytime home)? First, know that these potholes are out there, and are common. Gaining awareness can work wonders, and give rise to some very healthy introspection. Next, talk. Then, talk some more. Then, keep the dialogue going. Make it practical. Discuss how things run around the house: the roles each of you currently plays, the jobs each of you do. Start by making a list of household tasks that need to get done: two columns, one with the header "Task/Chore," and the other, "Who Does It." Then photocopy it, and have each partner fill it out in private. Now, compare how each list reads. Don't be surprised if they are very different. That's a healthy step toward what's next: deciding who will do what (and how) once the retiring party spends more time at home. Make a list called, "The New House Rules," laying it all out. Put everything up for grabs when you talk. We've seen the very leisure pursuits retirees can't wait to dive into make sparks fly. We had a client whose husband loved listening to opera on his expensive stereo, at substantial volumes. Nights and weekends, that wasn't a problem. But when daytime crept into the mix, our client found herself at the town library most afternoons, desperately seeking peace and quiet. My Next Phase believes finding and pursuing a passion is essential to healthy retirement. But even passion has its bounds, especially when not shared by each member of a couple. Lifelong gardeners may want to dig up more of the yard and start raising those champion tomatoes; woodworkers may figure the basement or shed will be theirs alone once work ends. Not necessarily so. Talk it over. Which all raises a bigger point. While a program like our online plan builder is meant to be done solo, we know it's healthiest when those who use it share their new personality and planning style insights with their significant other, and then work together to select goals and activities most apt to deliver fulfillment in retirement. Some My Next Phase clients have persuaded their spouses and partners to complete the program on their own, and then compare plans toward developing a master plan. That doesn't mean every retirement activity is meant to be shared, and every goal common; quite the opposite. What's healthy is understanding what each partner expects and needs from a life together in retirement. The right choices for you as individuals, and together as a couple, will naturally follow. To forward to a friend, please click here. To send a message or question to the My Next Phase team, please click here. To learn more about membership, please click here. Copyright ©2008 My Next Phase. All Rights Reserved | |||
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